Today started out mixed up. Overslept until 6:30 so I didn't have time to work out too much. Had a decent, albeit boring, day at work. Got a fair amount done on a case that bugs the heck out of me. Was ready to come home and collapse when Sue called and said Kathy and David had invited us over for steak. Man, did that hit the spot. David's a master-griller. The steaks were perfect. After dinner we sat around playing dominos and then Farkle until we were too tired to go on. Wild and crazy people, we are.

Tomorrow will be a fairly warm day and I want to spend it working in and around the house taking care of alot of the debris and "deferred maintenance" that I let build up over the winter. Hope I actually get something done.

Get to go to Water's Edge fellowship (eat and games) Sunday evening. Can't wait til the next preview service for their worship time. Not sure where we're going to church Sunday AM. But, we'll get some good Emmaus worship Saturday night!

I thought I'd hate church shopping. I'm loving it. I feel like I'm on a vacation, or on some sort of retreat.

Since leaving our old church I have experienced a strange combination of spiritual excitement and exhaustion. Excitement to see what God is going to do with us, and for us. Exhaustion because we come to the end of years of pressure and frustration and see ourselves, and friends, dealing with the grief of leaving the old structure (or making the decision to stay and deal with it). I pray that God will lead each of us to the church home or fellowship where He wants us to be.

One thing I've done is concentrate too much on church "process." I have centered on what the church ought to be, and examined church models too long. All this reading and talk of home, house, cell, emerging, postmodern, or whatever church has been instructive, but it has also made me focus too much on earthly structure rather on my Father. I'm starting to realize that now, and am beginning to find more joy in simply reading His Word, being with Him and worshiping Him. Man, I need this.

Went to Water's Edge fellowship time tonight. I was a little uncomforatble part of the time just meeting new people. But I got over that and came away with a real good feeling for the people. I think I'm going to like this. Now, God, help me do some ministry along with it. Or, maybe I just need to cool it for awhile and accept a little ministry myself.

One of my favorite authors is Brennan Manning (The Ragamuffin Gospel). However, I have heard others say that he is a "universalist" who believes that we are all saved and that we all simply need to realize it. In other words, we are not required to make that tough choice to lay down our lives and "accept" His lordship as a precondition to our salvation. The universalist would say that everyone is saved; we just all don't realize it yet.

I thought the criticism was over blown, but I decided to re-read his book in order to see for myself. So I've gotten through the first couple chapters and I can't get a real handle on Manning. There is a lot about grace, but I've been looking for the need for the sinner's repentence. Then, we get to pg. 73, and Brennan is talking about our misconceptions about grace, and he says that too easily become legalists and fret about "the heresy of universalism." Ok...maybe we do. But, Brennan, what is the real gospel? He goes on to explain:

"The saved sinner is prostrate in adoration, lost in wonder and praise. He knows repentance is not what we do in order to earn forgiveness; it is what we do because we have been forgiven. It serves as an expression of gratitude rather than an effort to earn forgiveness. Thus the sequence of forgiveness and then repentance, rather than repentance and then forgiveness, is crucial for understanding the gospel of grace."

Now, I don't have any problem with a church running on the basis of "belonging then believing." Quite often it is a person's relationships with other Christians that loves them into the Kingdom. What I'm not too sure of is what Brennan means by saying "forgiveness and then repentance."

Is Brennan describing the route to salvation here? I agree that we don't have to "pretty ourselves up" for God before we are good enough to merit his salvation. But is universal forgiveness just laying around out there, waiting for us to discover it so that, afterwards, our gratitude encourages us to repent of our sins? If that is the case, then the whole human race has already been forgiven, we just don't all realize it yet; and that is universalism.

Or, in this passage, is Brennan simply talking about the process that occurs after salvation (He does start out by saying "The saved sinner...")? The saved sinner realizes that, at any given moment, he is just as forgiven as he ever will be, and, in gratitude for that amazing grace, turns from his sin, the best he can, in order to live a life pleasing to his adoptive Father. The beggar is grateful for the banquet laid before him. All beggars are invited, but not all decide to attend. The banquet is still only available for those who accept the invitation. And, that's not universalism.

Well, now that I've talked it through a little bit, it seems to me that Brennan is saying the latter (the gratitude of the saved sinner), rather than the former (the gratitude of the already forgiven human who happens to realize that we all have been forgiven by a gracious God).

I really enjoyed the Ragamuffin Gospel when I first read it. I probably enjoyed Ruthless Trust even more. But, I'm still cautious and am looking for more statements in Brennen's works that shows me he's not a universalist. These two books fiercely attack Christian legalism (as it often should be attacked). All of us, no matter how "mature" we are in the faith, are still just ragamuffins, adopted into the Father's household only because of Christ's merit. None of us deserve to be here, or have any higher place in the household than another. But I still need to ask: even though all may be invited to the feast, isn't it a prerequisite that each of us first accept the invitation before we can count ourselves as otherwise unworthy ?

Went to Redeemer Covenant this morning. We went to their contemporary service. It was very professional. I guess that was part of the problem, because we felt we were more part of a performance than a worship service.

A church wants to grow, so it discovers among its members (or imports) more and more talented performers to lead worship. As the church grows, the members expect more professional worship leaders. Soon the worship service becomes "performance."

I wonder if Water's Edge can stake its popularity on its small groups, rather than on increasingly professional music.

Meanwhile, Michael went to Asbury and reports good things. He seems to enjoy the youth group and enjoyed the "living room" worship service.

Tonight we head for a fellowship dinner with Water's Edge folks. Sounds like fun.

There's very little that Molly Ivans writes that I disagree with. She
nails it once again.
Go get'em Molly.

Getting up to go try another church this morning. I feel like
I've already found my church (Water's Edge), but its' next preview
service is a month away, so we will look at other churches in the
mean time. That'll make sure that we're not just picking Water's
Edge "on the rebound."

It's hard to "shop" for churches. I feel like a consumer christian.
But, if God's going to lead us somewhere, we've got to look around.
He can't steer a ship that is dead in the water. OK. I'm going
to go get ready now. We're going to Redeemer Covenant "contemporary"
service this morning, and Michael and a friend are going to Asbury.

Well, we finally left our old church. Tough decision, with a lot of tears and fears.

Tears: leaving the youth; leaving a few friends that remain there (not really "leaving," but, you know...); what will I do with myself when it's VBS time?; upset that people may be upset with us for having to make this decision;

Fears: that we're not doing the right thing; that we will never find where God wants us to be and we will get sucked into the cosmic void and vaporize; that we won't be able to find a place to "minister"; that our small group will drift apart.

Just looking at the two lists, the "tears" list is real and rational (those things are real and hurt), while the "fears" list is just a reflection of a lack of faith on my part. Do I really believe that God will abandon us and leave us in a cold and dry land? Nah.

In fact, Sue and I are looking at this as another great adventure. God's already placed a great possibility before us. A small church plant, close to where we live, called Water's Edge Covenant Church. WE (Water's Edge...not "us" we) has several elements that we might enjoy: 1) it will be based on small groups, daily fellowship and relationship, rather than mere Sunday go-to-meeting; 2) it's whole focus is outreach, stressing "belonging, then believing" rather than "believing, then belonging" (i.e.: love them into the Kingdom); 3) it is a church plant from the Evangelical Covenant denomination, a conservative, congregational, evangelical denomination that provides a "covering" to help prevent WE from moving into "error"; 4) GREAT community worship services (kinda Emmaus-class worship) that are contemporary (lookie there...young people who want to come to worship!), are open to all of the small group members, as well as anyone else who just wants to stop in; provide time for communion and personal prayer; allow freedom to minsiter and be ministered to, but still proceeds in an orderly manner; 5) is not "building" focused; 6) has a vision for ministry to the poor; 7) has a "that's a great idea you've got... go do it" attitude. I could go on... We're not sure where we're going to land yet, but we do feel like God's got his hand in this process.

Over the last few years I have been investigating the whole concept of home church, in all of its "emerging church" forms. The Water's Edge format is a middle way between traditional Sunday church and house church. It provides house church dynamics, protected with weekly group worship and outreach. One of the blogs I regularly read is by Alan Creech (http://www.vbcc.net/alancreech/). His most current blog has a couple of paragraphs that really touch my situation. Here he talks about the joys, fears and pitfalls of leaving his old church and venturing out into house church:

Alrighty then. My friend Steve and I were meeting on Monday night to talk, as we usually do. We drank some coffee and talked about this and that. Steve now has a group of people meeting in his home on Saturday nights to explore new ways of being the church with one another. We began exploring our backgrounds, which are in some ways very similar, and where we are now. We talked about not becoming bitter and not merely sitting around bitching about the old way - how after you get that out on the table, you need to move on or it will eat you alive.

Now, that picture. Funny, I just had to take that picture. We also talked about being called to a new "country" - a new "land" and being afraid to go there. Leaving the land of well-worn paths, not all of which are bad - but being called by God to go through a very narrow valley into a new place, an unfamiliar place with no paths yet worn. Steve is pointing to our visual aid of the narrow neck of territory that we must go through in order to get to the other side. This place is very uncomfortable, very tight indeed sometimes. There aren't really alot of provisions there, mostly rock and dirt with a few rivulets of water coming out of cracks in the walls. It's a place you want to get through, not stay in. And it kinda sucks while you're there. For this reason, many do not make it through. It's just too much. They retreat back to the familiar land and never quite see the open expanse they were called to on the other side of the narrow valley. It was a good talk. Encouraging for both of us. Oh yeah, going through this dry neck of land, this passageway, alone, is not the best idea. That rarely ends up well. God's Grace be with us.

Way to go Alan.

Here I am a moderate Democrat stuck in the body of a conservative evangelical Christian. Why can't I just be normal? Anyway, found this great quote from an interview with Jim Wallis:

"What would you say to an evangelical church that is beginning to think about moving beyond charity, such as feeding the poor, and to actually working for justice?

I would tell them, "You can’t just keep pulling people’s bodies out of the river without sending somebody upstream to see what or who is throwing them in." When Martin Luther King, Jr. talked about being the conscience of the State, I think he meant, "Don’t just be the servant of the state, meaning that you will clean up the mess caused by bad social policy. Don’t just put a band-aid on the sores of society. Don’t just be service providers—be prophetic interrogators." Why are some of the people shopping in food banks and soup kitchens as a way of life? Those are supposed to be a temporary solution. Why are working moms with children living in shelters as their permanent long-term housing? It’s supposed to be temporary. Domhild DeCamera, the wonderful Brazilian archbishop, said, "When I fed the hungry, they called me a saint. When I asked why people are hungry, they called me a Communist." The Bible is not just saying, "Let’s do soup kitchens." The prophets hold people accountable—kings, rulers, lawyers, judges, employers, decision-makers. The litmus test the Old Testament prophets used for a country’s righteousness was not its Gross National Product or its military fire-power, but how that country treated the poor and most vulnerable. A society is responsible not just for charity. The word justice and oppression is throughout the Bible. Karl Marx didn’t make up that word. Read Amos, Isaiah or Jeremiah. There is oppression in this world, unfairness. There is hard-ness of heart, structures and policies and attitudes that are unjust. The Biblical cry challenges them all the time. It is Biblical, part of that prophetic tradition, to speak the language of justice. "

Well, typical night with a teenager in the house. Michael was supposed to be home at midnight (curfew). At 12:10 we get a call and his car (my old 1986 Toyota Celica) is stalled on the side of the road. It's overheated. I tell him its probably a thermostat; just let it cool down and limp back home. Just then a highway patrolman pulls up behind him to check out the problem. I explain to the patrolman, over the cell phone, that he was trying to get home by curfew, but had car problems. He accepts that, but at that point I figure I better go help Michael. So we spend until 2AM leap-frogging the car home. Drive awhile, cool awhile. I presume its a thermostat, but it could be the radiator cap, or who knows what. Probably thermostat.

Got to mow the lawn today. Need to buy a little trim mower today so we don't have to spend so much time with the weed eater. Michael will be thrilled. ha I'm on the radio right now. Just talked to a fella in Virginia. But, I need to get off and get working on the lawn.

OK, so I'm not really questioning whether I want to be a lawyer. That's dumb. But what I do want is to be used by God. Being a lawyer can be my "tent making." Right, Paul? So I have to forget all the self-analysis and just try to joyously get involved in youth and childrens ministry every chance I get. That is...if that's what He wants me to do. Don't get "busy," just get effective. Or, maybe just get available.

Sue's got a new Bible study she's working on for Genesis. I think I'll see if I can help her with it.

The power outage in the NE came just as Elizabeth was leaving for Russia. Her plane went through Chicago, and then a straight shot to Russia. I was afeared that Chicago was going to shut down too, or that it would get so busy handling traffic from JFK, etc., that they wouldn't let her take off. But we talked as she was getting on the plane in OKC, and in Chicago, and all seemed well. She arrives today. PRAY.

I'm sitting here monitoring 17 Meters on my ham radio. I'm not used to working the WARC bands and I have to look at the band plan chart to remember where the band edges are. 17 Meters seems like a good cross between 15 meters and 20 meters. I hear lots of DX, like both of the other bands, but it seems a little calmer and quieter (like 15 meters). Neat band. Just had a good conversation, roundtable fashion, with stations in St. Paul and Lakesville, MN and San Antonio, TX.

I'm working on developing templates for some of my other pages for this site. It's slow, but I'm learning alot. If anyone needs to learn HTML, go to HTML Goodies web site. My problem is that I'm just not very graphically creative. I love to write, but I just don't have a brain for graphic design. So I find templates to play with.

I've also got to figure out what my "persona" is on this blog. How personal do I want to be? Who's my audience? Me, or you (or Him)? Or... no one.

For the first time in 30 years, I am questioning what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I have always loved being a lawyer, and have felt that it was God's calling on my life. I enjoyed getting up every morning and going to work. But I am hitting that point in life (50 was a magical number) where I am supposed to question my goals and significance. So that's what I'm doing. I don't know why; I just am. I still enjoy aspects of what I do; but the last couple years have taken some of the life out of it. I am rediscovering parts of my old love for the law, but it is slow and painful.

Strange, the place I feel the most comfortable is in youth ministry. But that's really improbable, on many levels. I'm 53 for goodness sake. I'm well aware that I look stupid playing with the kids in children's ministry; I look just as stupid trying to be a hip youth pastor. But I really do feel like the kids and the youth, for the most part, listen to me. Don't know why, but it seems like they do. Adults just see me as silly sometimes and wonder why I don't act "mature." But the kids listen. Go figure.

I also feel like the youth still have that capability to capture the "radicalness" of Christianity. When I became a Christian during the Jesus Movement in the '60s, we weren't about "church" and acting nice and being respectable. We certainly weren't about all becoming good conservative republicans for Jesus. We were about relationships and mission and outreach and abandoning your life to God. I see the youth as still willing to embrace that dangerous true Christianity. Some of it is silly and "youthful enthusiasm." But give me that any day over "appropriate behavior." Jesus did not die to make us "appropriate." So the kids listen. And when I challenge them with something, they really seem challenged, at least for a moment. Adults mostly just smile and wonder when I'm going to leave them alone.

But, I'm at the time of life where I'm supposed to be "producing for retirement." I've got a wife and three kids that still need me to make a substantial living. The kids are each in times of life where expenses can be high and they have little or no money to work with. If it was just up to me, and what I require, I could live in mom's old house, with my books and an internet connection (and a decent ham radio antenna). But it isn't just up to me. I've got 'sponsabilitees. Not just responsabilities...I've got people I love who depend on me and who I want to care for.

So I come into work this morning and Elizabeth has left a book on my chair (I guess her going away present to me...why is she giving me a going away present?) The book is "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado. She writes me a note that tells me I've got ministry to do. Whhhaaaattt? Where? How? Work with the kids at the church? Is that all? Isn't that plenty? If not, then...

So I guess this is just a roundabout semi-public (is anyone out there?) prayer. Show me; lead me. Yuch... that brings up my life verse: "Search me O God and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts and see if there be any hurtful way in me and lead me in the way everlasting." Ps. 139.

Can't believe that this will likely be Elizabeth's last full day at work, at least for awhile. She's off to Russia. God be with her. And God be with those that she has touched here and will touch over there. Follow her progress at Elizabeth's Russian Adventure

I'm listening to some tapes of Hocking's "The Universe in a Nutshell." Can't hardly get my head around it. Then I run across this. Would someone please explain this to me before I run out of brain cells? Ground-breaking work in understanding of time

VBS is over as of last night. Exhausted. But it was fun, and I think there were some kids genuinely touched by Him. So was that worth it? Duh. Now I've got to spend some time recovering my life (taxes to do, garage to clean, etc.).

Here's a quote that speaks a little bit to my previous article:

"Modern man believes he is fruitful and productive when his ego is aggressively affirmed, when he is visibly active, and when his action produces obvious results."
Thomas Merton
love & living

  Speaks to my question about how much of what we do is self-effort.  Not sure I know what to do about it yet.

  I'm sitting here in a Continuing Legal Education seminar and he's giving an introduction to non-profit organizations.  He thinks I'm taking notes.  I'll start taking notes later when he gets into something a little more complex.  Right now I'll write this.

  I think that VBS didn't draw as many kids as we had hoped for.  But, so what?  We prayed and asked the Lord to bring the kids that he wanted there.  We've got to believe that those kids are there.  That means we have divine appointments there this week.  Even though there may not be as many kids as we had hoped for, all the work we did was worth it for each and every one of the kids that did come.  Which kid are we going to look at and say, "You weren't worth all the work we did."

  This brings up the whole subject of children's ministries.  Sometimes you wonder how much these kids are really understanding about the gospel.  Are we wasting our time?  Are we just trying to make ourselves feel better through our "effort?"

  Sometimes we are just doing it for our own effort.  But He tells us to bring the children to Him.  Mt. 19:14.  That is not a suggestion.  Even if our motives are wrong, we must look to Him to bring results anyway.  If the kids can't understand, then why would He tell us to bring them?

  Part of the problem is that we often don't take seriously the "decision" of a child.  I don't know at what age "salvation" can occur (not my job to know that).  But He directs us to work with them.  There's got to be a reason.  If it's just to show them His love, so they can remember that and make a later salvation decision, then that's OK.  If it's just to give them an initial good activity in "church," so that years later, when the crunch comes, they will be more likely to come to the church (and meet Him).

  The results of our efforts are sometimes hidden, often delayed.  But if we proceed in prayer, then we know that the results of our efforts are in His hands.  Best place.

  It's been raining and storming real hard here tonight.  Michael wants to go see a movie with some friends from Dayspring (a Christian camp he just got back from).  He also just got his driver's license a few days ago.  If it's raining when it's time to go, I won't let him.  Don't want him to drive in the rain, at night, until he has more driving experience.

Wow!  Our first day of VBS 2003.  My legs are sore from jumping up and down to the "Hop" song (thanks loads, Jane).  I don't think I've ever been so tired.  But the kids seem to be getting a lot out of it.  My site is all about not conforming to the world, but being transformed.  This VBS has a space theme and we're having all kinds of fun naming things (like my Intergalactic Prayer Transporter).  Off to work now.  Actually, I'm off to Continuing Legal Education...yawn.

This has been a long, but fun, day. Our church (First United Methodist Church of Jenks, OK - JUMC) has been getting ready for vacation Bible school. I'm going to be an Astronaut in Marvin's Spectacular Spaceship. Lots of people doing a lot of work. There are rooms to decorate, copies to make, registrations to take and Time Machines to build! What's it all for? Are we just doing Church busywork? Is this all just a distraction from the Kingdom? I don't doubt that the kids are worth it; what I wonder is whether we really reach them. Out of the 120 that we'll have at VBS, how many will develop new, or deeper, walks with the Lord?
What am I talking about? Each one we touch, even if it's just a few, is of infinite value. The Lord can work through us; it's up to us to let Him. We can't do the work ourselves; it's His. So, I pray that we adults be available, and transparent, so the kids can see Him through us. And help us have a ton of fun too. JUMC could use a few good laughs after the last year.

Tis the night before Christmas and all through the house, I've now got 3 kids, one kid's boyfriend spending the night on the couch (snowed in), 3 dogs, 3 cats and me and my wife. Here I am at 50, supposedly facing the "empty nest", and my nest is suddenly as full as ever. We'll see how long this lasts. Do I want "not long," or "hang on"?

I'm watching West Wing right now. Sam Seaborn just found out he's going to be an accidental congressman. I'm getting too old. I can't keep total track of this show.